What does the Bible Say About Marriage and Divorce?

Question:

I know someone who believes that a man and woman do not have to have an actual wedding to be married. That when a man and woman come together that God sees them married in his eyes. And, he also say's that they do not have to have a piece of paper for a divorce. He believes that since the law was fulfilled when Jesus died on the cross, that you don't have to get a divorce, because it is a man's law, nor do you have to have a marriage license, because that is too man's law. Do you believe that you have to be married and divorced by paper or do you believe that you can be married and divorced by God's eye's? To give me the source of your reasoning, please give scriptures or history information. Thank you.

My Reply:

I’d first like to point out that your friend needs to decide on what part of God’s instructions and ways he’s going to obey, the one about marriage, or the part about divorce.

Marriage: The Bible tells us that God created marriage, and Christian marriage takes after this first ever marriage in several ways. Notice for instance, today that the father "gives away" his daughter to the groom? That's similar to what God did when He brought the woman to Adam (Genesis 2).
The vows: It's understood that when Adam said about Eve, "Bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh" in Genesis 2, it was like wedding vows. Because he recognized her as everything he's needed and wanted, perfect match, only one for him (literally).

In Matthew 19:5-6, Jesus quotes Genesis 2, `For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? "So then, they are no longer two but one flesh.” Then Jesus continues, “Therefore what God has joined together, let no man separate."
So in other words, marriage is not about a piece of paper, but a joining together in blessed commitment by God, with each other, and with God in the center of it.

Now, many states do recognize a couple to be legally married if they’ve lived together for “x” amount of years. But the question comes up as to whether or not that’s considered as marriage in God’s eyes, for there was never a time for the giving of His blessing, nor giving away by their father or somebody else in the family, nor even any vows.

Now, as for divorce:
Though there are many reasons to sometimes suggest the necessity for divorce, scripture tells us that God never actually permitted it. When Jesus was confronted by the Pharisees (Matthew 19, Mark 10) about divorce, Jesus asked, "What did Moses tell you to do?" He asked them because they were basing everything on the Law that Moses gave them. But Jesus reminds them that it was Moses who allowed them to divorce, only because of their hardened hearts. But originally, God said no divorce.

So in a sense, your friend is right about divorce, that it’s only a piece of paper created by man. But God doesn't submit to the laws of man..."what God has joined together, let no man separate." Though it's not because Jesus fulfilled the Law on the cross, but because God never permitted it even in the Law...Moses, a human, did, in response to the hardness of the people's hearts.

I believe that one other aspect that needs to be recognized in terms of marriage is commitment.  The point of marriage is to spend the rest of your life with this person. And the vows you make at the wedding are vows you make to each other, as well as to God.  When both Moses and Jesus addressed the people about divorce, it was because the people wanted to be able to treat their wives like trading in a car…it was fun in the beginning, but now something more appealing to them has come along, so they wanted to get rid of the one they had and get the new one.  And this is wrong for so many reasons, including the ones I already mentioned.  You just simply don't divorce somebody to marry another.

I think your friend's confusion may originate from what Paul mentioned in 1 Corinthians 6:16, that when you have sex with somebody, you become one with them in body. Because of the similarities with events that happen in marriage, some often confuse this with marriage. But sex does NOT equal marriage. Sex outside of marriage is just unhealthy and unblessed joining, and a huge sin against your own body, for it's outside the means that God created for it to be experienced.

Summary:

Marriage is SO much more than a piece of paper. Anybody who says otherwise is often just afraid to make that full commitment (marriage is supposed to be more permanent than a tattoo!).

But divorce, on the other hand, in the eyes of God, (according to scripture), IS just a piece of paper.

---Pastor Andy

Why do Atheists get married?

Question:  Why do Atheists get married?  I mean, I know, insurance, and taxes, etc.  But when you were first married, you didn't think about things like that. You were (are) in love with each other, and you just want to marry them. But why?

My Reply:

You know, to an extent, I've been wondering the same thing, for marriage is a God-thing...God created it.  But if they don't believe in God, then why would they believe in marriage? I'll tell you, it makes my brain hurt (a little) when I think about it, because it really doesn't make any sense. I mean, if they say it's because they see married couples all the time, so they know it exists...but then, everything that exists was created by God. They see everything that exists, but they refuse to believe in God anyway, then why...

The Apostle Paul suggested for single Christians (who are dating somebody) to marry so they don't burn in passion, because sex was created to be in the context of marriage...otherwise it's sinful. But if somebody doesn't believe in God, then they must not care about sin, because they're not worried about being judged or anything by something they don't believe in. So then we return to the question, "why do they marry?"

I've asked some atheist friends about this in the past, and have heard reasons from not believing Marriage to be a God-thing to it just being something that people have been doing for thousands of years (I agree, but insist also that it was first introduced by God).  Although I also recently asked this question on my Facebook, hoping to get some good feedback on it from my non-believing friends.  I'm not sure how many actually read this post before commenting, but the main argument I got back was that they neither believe marriage is a God-thing, nor that God has to have anything to do with it.  Some also went off topic, but mostly gave the same basic reason.

Maybe, when you get right down to it, marriage to an Atheist has become like Christmas and Easter to them: holidays that were originally intended for celebrating and glorifying God, transformed by the world's desires for holidays to receive gifts and candy, and have nothing to do with God.  And by the time it got to them, it was already part of their culture as a proper step in a committed relationship?
OR, MAYBE it's like heaven in the eyes of many others in the world...they want to go there, but don't want to have anything to do with the One and only Way to get there.  So they take parts of it that they like, keep out the parts about Jesus or God or anything Biblically sound, and create their own version of it, claiming it to be just as good as the real thing.

---Pastor Andy

Flirting with the Married

Question:

When is flirting crossing the line?

My husband has this single female co worker, who is always having 'men dramas' and telling him about it.
The other day they facebook-chatted.  She started the conversation, then proceeded to go into detail about her personal life.  Last night she messaged him again on facebook, and I got really angry and upset, for I was annoyed that she was talking to my husband about such personal matters.  I think this woman is crossing the line!  My husband says he will talk to her, about her comments etc........but little things like this have been going on for months, and I’m sick of it.  I understand that people in the workplace talk, but I know that I certainly don't talk that personally with my married co-workers.  I just feel that this is going too far.  

It’s honestly taking all my power not to message her myself and tell her to back off!
What should I do?

My Reply:

I agree with you that she shouldn’t be sharing such personal issues at the workplace, but the main problem doesn’t actually seem so much to be the girl, but with your husband.  And as long as your husband gives her the attention, she'll continue to communicate with him as often as she can, and as you said, for months he’s been telling you he’ll talk with her about her comments and all, but it’s still going on.  So the question to ask is why your husband feels the need to talk and listen to her, especially when he knows it's troubling you?

In Counseling, therapy, social work, or Pastoral care, it's always highly advised that the "subject" be of the same gender as the professional. That way, there are no confusions about words, attractions, or possible relationships brewing from intimate conversations. In the same way, if this woman who's speaking with your husband needs to talk with somebody for advice, comfort, therapy, venting, etc., then she should really talk with somebody of the same gender. And your husband should be the one to suggest this.  And just the fact that neither has shows that each enjoys the attention, her coming to him and him listening, which throws up a red flag.

As for your question about flirting: flirting with somebody who's married doesn't need boundaries...it's just wrong altogether. Somebody who's flirting with somebody other than their spouse is also wrong altogether. But though the woman is obviously enjoying the attention your husband's giving her, the question to ask is why your husband so much enjoys the "special" attention she's giving him.

---Pastor Andy

Marriage Help

Comic Courtesy of...

Question:  

I have recently married.  A lot of my friends say it was very early (we've been seeing each-other for a little over a year now, and just moved in, but we're over that now and have settled in).
I've just been noticing that she, once every month or so, gets frustrated and angry at me for petty reasons that usually wouldn't bother her. I've tried bringing it up with her but I continually get the response 'Sorry, it's just my time of the month.' She never gives any more reasoning.
Anyway, last month she kicked me out for being inconsiderate and obnoxious. We had a small argument, but she was rather angry.  She said to come back in a day or two when I'd thought about what I'd done, and apologize.
I'm basically sick and tired of putting up with this, it's beginning to get ridiculous.  I haven't brought it up with her yet, but I've got the documents for divorce.  I am just wondering if you could perhaps give some advice, as I still love her very much, but as I said, it's beginning to get intolerable.

My Reply:

Wow, those are some real confusing and frustrating difficulties!  So all this time, before you married, things were fine, and now after you're married, it's turned into chaos?  That would drive anybody crazy!  

First of all, I want to congratulate the two of you for taking that step of getting married.  Marriage really is awesome!  But at the same time, marriage isn't always going to be warm and cuddly, friendly and happy.  There are times (as you've come to experience), when personalities and backgrounds clash, and things will sometimes get ugly.

Before getting married, I did a lot of research on relationships, basically because I knew that when I got married, it would be something that lasted for the rest of our lives...no escape, lol.  So to help know how to be in a successful, life-long marriage, I read books on relationships, such as Gary Chapman's "5 Love Languages", listened to speakers on relationships (find them on YouTube), and asked people I know who've been married for 20+ years (some even dated a short-term before getting married, just as you did).  It's really amazing what we think we know about each other, ourselves, and relationships, but really have no idea.  So do some research, ask people who've been married 20 or more years, and read Gary Chapman's book together, working together on the challenges throughout.

Also, before introducing the divorce documents, I would suggest looking into marriage counseling.  Not because there's anything wrong with either of you, but a marriage counselor can help you both figure out what changed in your relationship since marriage, and how to "bring back that lovin' feeling" that brought the two of you together in the first place.  If you're concerned about finances (as we all are), check out churches, for many Pastors are also trained Marriage Counselors, and I would expect they'd work out something you can afford.

Hang in there, and don't give up...marriage is something that takes work.  If you work together, I have no doubt you'll not only remain married for many decades, but even enjoy each other in the process.

---Pastor Andy

Fixing America's Divorce Rate

Picture Courtesy of...

Question: 

Why do you think the American divorce rate is so high? What can we do to fix it?

My Reply:

Many reasons for the high divorce rate in America:

1. We Americans are quite spoiled. We live in a culture where if you don't like what you have, you either get rid of it, or "upgrade".
2. Many people don't seem to understand the meanings of "commitment" and "keeping vows (or) promises".
3. People (not just Americans) are often self-centered and lazy. We think of our own wants and desires, and often decide to pursue them over working on the issues we have at home.
4. Communication is often not a key characteristic in relationships that end in divorce.
5. Americans stand on pride, not reconciliation. When conflicts arise, our natural instincts are either fight or flight. For instance, we guys seem to have picked up something somewhere that causes us to retreat and hide our feelings instead of hang around and express them each time conflict arises. Women on the other hand often seem to push the issue further, using the tactic of name-calling and demeaning the fellows' identities. We clash because we don't know how to resolve the issues...
6. The media doesn't help any with their suggestions of adulterous relationships.
7. The sad thing about this too, is that I can't say it's because they don't have Jesus in their lives, because the divorce rate of Christians are right up there among non-Christians.
8. We don't understand or know enough about our partners, or even ourselves...what makes us feel worth, and what makes them feel worth? How do we as a spouse make our spouse feel worth, and how do we communicate to them how to make us feel worth?
9. Unfortunately, many take after their parents who also divorced.
10. People often base their decisions on feelings.  If it feels right, they do it. If it doesn't feel right, they don't do it.

I can go on, but I'm sure you get the idea.  

So how can we fix this?

I believe the first step needed is to change people’s mindset and understanding about marriage:

1. People need to realize that marriage was created to be more permanent than a tattoo.  
2. Marriage is hard work, and not always about “being happy”.  
3. Marriage is also about sacrifice and denying yourself regularly for the sake of your spouse (to be taken on by both, not just one).  
4. Conflicts need to be dealt with immediately, and never allowed to resurface in an argument…hysterical is one thing, historical is another.

As I mentioned, Christians and non-Christians alike are guilty in this department. But the Bible really does tell us how to treat one another:

• "Wives, submit to your husbands." 
• "Husbands, love your wives in the way that Jesus loves the Church."  (Notice it doesn’t say, 'Husbands, love your wives as the Church loves Jesus')

I think that when this is understood and practiced, we may fix and save more than just marriages.

---Pastor Andy

Where Did Cain's Wife Come From?

© 2010 Answers in Genesis

Question: In the bible it talks about Eve bearing 3 sons but it also says that eve and Adam were the only two ever to have no earthly father or mother, so when Cain went to live in nod, where did his wife come from?

My Reply:

Yes, the Bible does talk about Eve bearing 3 sons, but it also tells us that they had many other sons and daughters. And being the 1st parents created, Adam and Eve surely made many and many children!

Remember, Adam lived a really long time, and I doubt they only had 1 child a year...they were commanded to fill the earth with people (paraphrased), so I don't doubt the Lord caused Eve to give birth to like, quintuplets or something, at least several times in her life.
Also, we don't know how old Cain and Abel were when the murder took place...so it could've been well over enough time for other children to grow old enough to move away. 

I used to wonder why Cain was afraid of being killed after being sent away. I read recently that these other sons and daughters no doubt knew their brother Abel. So their wanting to kill their other brother Cain would be due to their knowing of what he did to Abel (or more if he ticked them off beforehand).  So Cain's wife was either a sister, niece, or child of a niece (or child of the child of a niece).  That information though is not explained basically because it's not needed to understand the lineage of the patriarchs, the experiences of God’s people, or the prophesies or lineages connected to the promised Messiah, Jesus Christ.  Plus, everybody connected with Cain died in the flood anyway, so there's no need to go back and figure out her part of Adam's lineage.

---Pastor Andy

Waiting For That One Guy

Picture Courtesy of...

Question:

I'm 17 and have been waiting for that one guy to lose my virginity to.

I dated a guy for three years and just wasn't ready yet or, comfortable enough to go any further, so he broke up with me…typical guy. Anyway I am now dating a guy who I have never felt so comfortable with and I do love him and want to further our relationship. But I've scared myself to death about sex. I'm just scared of the pain that comes with it, I guess you could say. I have eight tattoos and if I think that hurts pretty bad…you think I'd think sex would? People say it's horrible and it hurts but is it really that bad the first time? What should I expect my first time? Is it a pain that I can stand? And I'm totally clueless when it comes to this sex thing. I am a virgin, and at my age that's not very common, ha. I've talked to my boyfriend about how scared I am, and he always says we can wait and he's totally fine with that. I'm willing to wait as well, but it's going to happen sometime...so your help and advice is greatly appreciated!

My Reply:

First, I'd like to congratulate you for holding off from having sex for this long...you're right, virginity among teens is rare today. And good job on holding out on the last guy.
Here's what I'm thinking. Your current boyfriend is willing to wait, but you're freaked out. But why bother thinking about it now? You dated the last guy for 3 years and never had sex. You've just started dating this guy, so what's the rush?
I'd like to suggest another rarity: why not hold off until you're married? Seriously!  I mean hey, you want it to be special and with the man you love, right?  So who better to save your first time than the one you want to grow old with?  And if it's this guy, then waiting until the wedding night will be even more special. But if God forbid he's not the guy, then wouldn't it be nice to know you saved it for your husband?

---Pastor Andy

Meanings of Creeds and Baptism

 Question:

1) What are Creeds in Christianity?

2) What are the major branches of Christianity? And what are the differences?

3) What does being baptized mean?

My Reply:

Wow, big questions :)

1) So what are Creeds in Christianity? Well, in the old days of the early Church, many people went off and began preaching other gospels, confusing people and sending them onto the wrong tracks...much like how religious cults today confuse people about Jesus and Christianity.

So the early church put together creeds in order to profess and make it clear as to what the real Church believes about Jesus Christ.  I suppose you could say it was an early version of apologetics, or defending the Truth.  It's all taken from scripture and from what was being preached by the original evangelists. So in other words, the purpose of the creeds is to teach, remind, and confirm the Truth, and to recognize and disprove the lies.

2) What are Christianity’s major branches? You know, I'm not really sure anymore, for there are so many branches out there now. Also, not all the denominations believe the same thing within their own denominations. So I can't really say.

3) What does Baptism mean, or what happens when you are Baptized?

Many things occur in baptism:
1) First, Baptism is not a means of salvation.
2) Jesus said that nobody can even SEE the Kingdom of God unless they're born from above. In Baptism, we're made a new creation – even a new race (the Christian race) – for like clothing, the old comes off and the new comes on.
3) Baptism is also described as dying and being born anew (from above...same word in the Greek). We die and are buried in our watery graves (dying with Christ), and being born anew when we come up out of the water (resurrecting, in a sense, but not to be confused with the resurrection to come).
4) You've heard the term, "blood is thicker than water"? In terms of baptism, "Water is thicker than blood", for it's in the waters of baptism that we're bonded with the other members of Christ's Body (the Church).
5) It’s the sealing of the deal…as accepting Christ is compared to getting engaged, Baptism can be compared to the wedding.  You’re saved when you enter into a relationship with God by accepting Jesus as your Lord and Savior, and you become part of the Body of Christ (fellowship of believers, Church) at Baptism.

I have a blog post that may help you understand some, also, put into context of a conversation.

---Pastor Andy

Friend With Benefits Wants Commitment

Picture courtesy of...

Question:

I've been in an 'fwb' (Friends with benefits) situation with a guy for about 4 years. We get all hot and heavy for awhile, but then cool off...and the cycle continues.  (We got together a couple weeks ago after not seeing each other for over a year.  And I don't sleep around.  He is actually the only guy I have slept with in the past 2 years, once last year, once this year).

The first night we hook-up after being apart, he always starts talking about having babies and us getting married, and I start thinking about the 'maybes'. But the next time we talk he says he can't remember saying anything. I feel stupid because I really want all that from him, and I know I'm never going to get it. We've known each other for 15 years and he really is the man of my dreams. 
Is there a way to separate sex and my feelings for him?

My Reply:

Wait a minute...in one sentence you said he's the man of your dreams, but in a previous sentence you said he basically lied by saying he never said something that you're sure he said. So the man of your dreams is a liar?
You sound confused, and I think your emotions for him are leading you blind. If a close friend of yours was in this situation, and she came to you for advice, what would you say to her? And be honest, because it sounds like though you obviously really like him and want a commitment with him, he doesn't, and is really only saying it when things heat up.
My advice to you (because it seems you're asking for some), is to stop looking at the maybes, since you seem to be the only one thinking about them. If the maybes will turn into definites, then they'll either have to take a lot of time with this fellow before they change, or they'll have to be with somebody else who wants the same, and doesn't play you for a fool each time things get heavy.

---Pastor Andy

God and Forgiveness

Question:

God forgives all sins, but what about a broken covenant?  I know God will forgive us our sins when we repent but what about if you break a covenant...such as getting remarried after a divorce...and you were the one being unfaithful...are you forgiven for committing adultery by getting married again?
After all... a marriage is a covenant between the couple and God...bringing them together as one flesh.

My Reply:

In terms of breaking covenants, the Israelites broke God's covenants time and time again, but the Lord never left them...though they did endure some trials during their time of getting back right with the Lord.
Let's look at scripture:
Remember the woman who was brought to Jesus in John 8:1-11? She was caught literally in the act of adultery. Jesus didn't condemn her, but notice He also told her to sin no more (or don't do this again)...and she was forgiven.
The Apostle Paul also talks on remarriage in 1 Corinthians. Basically, he suggests that the "unmarried" (thought to be those who were divorced) should remain unmarried. But if they're burning with lust, then it's best that they marry. But Paul also says that your new spouse should also be a believer in the faith.
 But it's not in remarriage that you're forgiven, nor is the making of a new covenant to cover up the past broken one a means of setting things right. God demands your heart...He always has. And the fact that you're even asking this question shows that you have every intention of giving it fully to Him.
 I would suggest though, you and your fiance’ engaging in pre-marital counseling by your pastor/priest before marrying, and keeping a Christian counsel throughout your marriage with whom you may consult should doubt or the temptation to cheat ever again arise.

---Pastor Andy

OK Pastor, I Challenge You To A Debate!

Here’s my argument:

ANYTHING is perfectly okay before marriage as long as your virginity remains in tact.  God said not to have sex. He never said anything about hugging, holding hands, kissing, making out, touching, oral, masturbation... Note that all of those things keep your virginity in tact, and therefore cannot be sins, and if even thinking about sex is wrong, then every single person is going to hell.  Also consider; 95% boys masturbate, it is a sexual act.  In fact, even Christian boys masturbate, so if any sexual act is a sin, then masturbating must be a sin too right?  So all those boys are going to hell, even though they gave their life to Christ?  But they’re virgins until they get married, but since they masturbated they have to go to hell.  As for anything with your hands, its just touching another body part, besides God made us naked anyways, so why can't we see each other if we choose to without it being a sin?  So when a mother changes her baby's diaper, she's sinning eh?  Or when a couple holds hand, OH NO THERE TOUCHING THERE GOING TO BURN IN HELLLLLLLLLLL AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. No, they’re still virgins, sometimes it may be slightly sexual, but what isn’t slightly sexual?  So what do you have to say?  This is my statement and I'd love to hear your words. I analyzed your own Bible and your God's words.  Oh, and by the way, might I add that He is against birth control?  WHO IN THEIRE RIGHT MIND IS GOING TO HAVE ALL THOSE CHILDREN???? And He's against mutilation of a body.  Yet, he is a fan of alcohol…He is very contradicting and starting to sound in fact, hypocritical to me…


My Reply:
Honestly, I don't see what your purpose is. Are you trying to justify something you did? Are you trying to justify premarital sexual behavior? What's your purpose? What's your need to know? Why such a venting session on sexual behavior outside of marriage?


You said, "Anything is OK before marriage as long as virginity is in tact".

I think that one of the main problems is when we think of virginity as only physical. Notice, Jesus said that when a man thinks about a woman lustfully, he's sinned against her in his heart. And Paul said that if have sex with a prostitute, we merge our bodies with her. See, sex isn't only intercourse, and virginity can also be lost through oral sex, anal sex, etc. How? Because there's more going on than bodily sharing, and such intimacy was created only for a married couple.


When you have sex with somebody, there's more than emotional intimacy. You're also sharing your whole self with that person, and such an awesome experience was meant only for a married couple. Why? Because God created and designed it as a blessing to be shared in a committed relationship that was blessed by God. 


The next problem is when a couple who's not married wants to experience even a small part of this blessing outside of marriage. You know that annoying game siblings play where they're told not to touch the other? The parent says this so that nobody hits the other or whatever. So what's the other one do? They get as close to them as possible, totally in their face, maybe even centimeters from touching them, and claim, "I'm not touching you." True, they're not touching, but the reason for the rule in the first place was not to keep them from touching, but to keep them out of trouble.


God told us to only experience the awesome blessing and gift of sexual contact with our spouses. But our emotions, adrenaline, feelings, hopes, imaginations, hormones, etc. often take over and we want to do other things similar to what we were told not to do. So instead of having intercourse, we do other stuff (like fondling, licking, sucking, caressing private areas, etc.), and then we justify our actions by saying that there's nothing in the rule book saying we can't.

You seem really upset at God...have you told Him all this yourself? If not, why not? Try asking God these questions. Will He answer? Maybe not in the way you expect or hope, but He'll answer, and when He does, you'll know it.


Go on...even in the tone of voice you used in this question. Yell, "God..." Heck, He's God...He can take anything you dish out. And maybe the reason you haven't gotten your answer yet, the one you really want or need to hear, is because you haven't asked Him.

---Pastor Andy

One Way Relationship

Question:  My girlfriend is a different religion from me, and wants me to change my religion.  She says I can't call her because her family doesn't know about me (we're dating secretly because of the religion difference) so I have to wait all day for her to call, just so we can talk.  She also keeps changing her mind about us. Sometimes she's ready to marry me, then she's not. I want kids, she doesn't. She decides when we talk or hang out.  I feel like I am making all the compromises here!  If she keeps changing her mind, I'm afraid she might never agree to marry me. What shall I do?

My Reply:

1. When we come to know Jesus, He made the 1st huge sacrifice by giving up everything He had so we may live. So giving up everything we are in order to come to know Him, follow Him, and become as Him is only fair. Similarly, relationships with people need to be mutually sacrificial. If you're making all the sacrifices and changes, then neither is she ready, nor is she somebody who you need to be with. I'd also suggest asking her if you were somebody she was attracted to in the beginning because of who you are/were, or because of who she envisioned you as being (reality vs. fantasy world).
2. Jesus said in Revelation that He'd prefer we either be hot or cold, but to be warm is gross and he spits such people out of His mouth. Elijah also told the Israelites (1 Kings 18) that they should choose either the Lord or Baal, but they should stop wavering back and forth between each. Jesus also said in Matthew 12 that if somebody's not for Him, they're against Him...there's no fence in between. Similarly, your girlfriend's wavering back and forth is something I'd consider to be a red-flag. She needs to make a choice and stick with her decision. If not, then scrap the relationship. 
3. Changing your religion. If you consider yourself a Christian, then you're not in a religion, but a relationship with God through Jesus Christ. And so to change your "religion" in that case would be like her telling you who you can be friends with, or like telling you that you can't keep your friends (but then maybe she does that already?)
4. She decides when you can talk or hang out...this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, bro. She may even be seeing other guys on the side (this would explain a lot of what you've already mentioned, such as the wavering between yes and no to your marriage proposal, kids, you making all the compromises, keeping you a secret, etc.). Just the fact that you've stayed with her this long shows you deserve better.
5. Finally, the whole "secret lover" thing hits me the wrong way. I once heard somebody say that if you have to keep the relationship a secret, then you shouldn't be in it.  Plus, just the fact that she insists on keeping you a secret shows that she's nowhere near ready to be in a committed relationship with you.

What should you do? Honestly, what you're in with her is not a healthy relationship.  I'd suggest you get out of it a.s.a.p.

---Pastor Andy

picture courtesy of...

Christian View of Sex

Question:

Explain the Christian argument for chastity.  Explain how Christianity is pro-body and pro-sex, and argues that. 

My Reply:

Pro-body/sex: 
1) God created us as sexual beings.
2) God introduced marriage to us with the first 2 humans (He brought the woman to Adam, as a father does his daughter today, bone of my bone etc. is known as wedding vows, Adam only had 1 wife).

Sex is meant to be within the relationship of a married couple:
The Apostle Paul explains in 1 Corinthians that sex outside of marriage is actually the worst sin you can commit against yourself, for when you have sex with somebody, you actually merge yourself with that person. You've heard that analogy with the tree? A guy sleeps with this girl who's slept with 10 other guys, so technically he’s sleeping with them too...that argument originated in the context of AIDS, but similarly, because sex is not just physical, but also emotional and spiritual, you actually do merge with each person you have sex with.

One explanation of this: in the TV show or movie "Highlander", when they chopped off their enemy-immortals’ heads, they absorbed all the spirits of those whom their victim had killed. If 50 people, they absorb those 50 people's souls, or something.  Sex is kind of like that, in the merging sense.

Another example: you're blue, she's red (primary colors).  When you have sex with each other, you each become purple.  Purple is good if you’re married, but until then, you were created to remain your primary color.  Now say you’re each purple, and you each have sex with others.  You keep mixing in other shades and colors, and soon you don't know what color you are, or you look like those blobs of Play-doh (like the one above) with all the colors mixed into it...and they're so mixed in that you'll never get them back to their original colors.

So you see, Christianity isn't against sex...sex is awesome, feels great, and was created for our pleasure. Otherwise, it wouldn't feel so good (yes, I'm married). 

Christianity is FOR sex.  But if it's going to be blessed by God, and not sinful, then it needs to be in the context in that which God had intended, which is marriage.

---Pastor Andy

Play-Doh ball picture courtesy of: http://www.flickr.com/photos/piepkorn/2093606082/